Dating someone who is still in love with their ex

Remain friends and wait it out and still remain single and opened to whatever comes along? That to me was a red flag.


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Having said that, maybe you should think about genuinely just having him as a friend, and let go of any fantasies about a relationship. Are you really okay with only having a friendship, or are you hoping that this man will heal and then want a relationship with you?

But, even if he does wake up , and wants to proceed with you and you alone as a date, then you have to make the judgment call: Am I ready if he decides he is not later on? My guy is really depressed, which surely also has to do with his ex passing away, but not only.

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I can so understand the fear of opening up again after something so traumatic. Good for you, that you opted out! I feel that one can wait for a good man. Cookie, Ivy I think there is a danger of seeing this wrong. We think that because he is hurting for a good reason a death that we should wait for him to get better. They fly off to someone else leaving you wondering where your reward is. I totally agree Grace. The next relationship this guy will have will be a transitionary one, the one he uses to get over the hurt before the next serious one.

Not intentionally i hasten to add. Just in time, as always, NML! Having had my heart broken recently by a man who decided to go back to his ex of 2 years prior, I am proud to say that I made the healthy, reality-based decision to not remain friends, despite him requesting this, even knowing that it really would only be a friendship. When said man found this hard to accept we really did get along rather well , I simply asked him how he planned to explain our friendship to his ex, once they reconciled.

He saw my point. I know this had nothing at all to do with me, and everything to do with his unresolved issues with his previous relationship. Your wisdom over the years has helped me get here. Now, that may be true or he did not like what I looked like. That was over years-ago. This was my situation exactly a year ago, when I discovered my then partner was not over his ex and was secretly messaging and calling her and others while he was away on a 3-month working holiday in South America.

Trouble is, he also made it look like it was about me not being good enough. He was also being passive-aggressive around stuff we were supposed to be doing together, and making subtly admiring comments about his ex that undermined me and the way I do things.

When your crush is still in love with their ex

Even after we broke up, I continued to do all the Coulda Woulda Shoulda analysis for a while, trying to pinpoint what it was I did to make him fall out of love with me and back in love with her. It took a while to see it all with a clear and logical insight. Your ex was a crazy-maker, and clearly villainising you so that he found it easier to live with what he was doing. Funny you should say that, Elle!

Last night I just had quite an enjoyable third date with an attractive, kind guy I met before Xmas. Spielberg movie, flamenco, first smooching and some snuggles. We have plans to meet up again this week. And then this morning, on my own, I bawled pretty unexpectedly — a good gut cry, had a little moment of the terrors that usually accompany me starting any sexual activity with someone new, and found myself about to relaunch to the other side of the coin of my indifference, i.

I feel solid enough about myself, but in absolutely no rush to indicate to this person that I want something long-term. Is there a time horizon for that? And only three dates so far, but yes, the first promising dates in 16 months. I understand what you mean. I have been dating someone for a little over two months. In turn, he is less than a year out of a VERY messy divorce and now has custody of three little kids. Afraid I jumped in too soon without chilling for a while from the last relationship though truth be told, I was pretty damned sick of him at the end.

Afraid because I wonder if I am his rebound girl. He thought not only was it OK, but he said admired me more as a person for having done so. There has been no talk of meeting friends, parents, children, but there has been discussion that these things MAY happen later, no timetables have been set. For the first time, I am not experiencing all that much relationship anxiety. In the meantime, I feel like a massive amount of time and space for both of us to sort out how to do this sanely is the best way to go.

We get together, dip out feet into the water together, go about our business for the rest of the week, have time to think about what is the best course of action. Magnolia, I can relate to what you said about being over an EX but not over the bullshit you went through while with the ex.

The cutting down and the slip into oblivion is hard to forget. Losing yourself once or twice can change you. Some of the change is good, like self awareness, but some changes are like scar tissue, under the surface. We learn our sore spots and our new strengths, then how to be who we are again.

Making Her Choose You Over Her Ex

Learning to be with someone new is an unfamiliar road with our new selves. Going for a test drive is okay. Hey Magnolia, Good to hear from you. Maybe you are enjoying yourself? Maybe just slow down? You are in charge of your life.

Moving on when you’re still in love with your ex | Relate

Could you copy this post from me to you? Get to know him well. Wait til you feel like good pals before having sex. Build reciprocal bonds before you add all the emotional stuff that comes in with sex. Presuming this guy is a decent, honourable fellow and you have to judge that over time, through actions , then he is certainly not the guys of your past who have abused and assaulted you. I am aware that I am treading in territory for which I am not trained, but I do think, from my own experiences, that you have to be careful with bringing in a bucketload of meaning to new relationships.

You have a chance to start afresh. You can handle this. You are stronger than you think, and you can always get out if you really need to. Try to enjoy it.

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Let it roll out for a bit and then see how you feel. This is the early phase. He told me I was pretty and I had the passing urge to burst into the story of how ugly they said I was … etc etc … but the urge passed. So far a few laughs and kind conversation have been nice. One leaves you wanting all the time, the other leaves you feeling hollow.

It can be hard to connect the dots. You tell women who resonate with your words what they need to hear and exactly in my opinion how they need to hear it. Often there is confusion and down right fantasy going on when we are in the flurry of a strong heart beat. I find you refreshing and very aware. I hope you will expand on the topics you blog and give women tips on how to navigate the terrain. Thanks for being you and the voice of reason when chaos can reign in relationships. Natalie, The last three posts are great companion pieces. That being said, I can also see the flip side.

It cuts both ways when you so clearly point out that there are 2 separate maybe 3 or even 4 coming to the table. Do I have this right?


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Is it that simple? Thanks for this post Natalie. I am actually just grappling with this issue now and talked about it in your previous post. Met a guy at a wedding about a month ago. Over the course of the month we went out on three dates.